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No doubt you have heard of the Holy Carp. Some people say He is just a random misspelling, but those who have been touched by Him know more. I will now share with you the story of the Holy Carp; how He was born in the first tsunami; how He taught the fishermen the parables of his wisdom; how His ideas scared the elders and led to His death by firing squad; how He rose from the dead with a shiny new halo; and how His death cleansed humanity for all our sins. 1 The story of the Fish is the story of the deluge. The Earth had slept a long time – many millions of years – without being bothered with the little creatures scurrying about and growing on her surface. In that time men appeared and wrought horrible changes upon her, creating deserts where there had once been forests and extinctifying many species. Especially favored by the Earth was the woolly rhinoceros, which you may know as unicorn. When men killed and ate the last woolly rhinoceros its blood was spilt upon the ground and, seeping into the ground, awoke the Earth into a terrible rage. The Earth looked upon men and realized they were the most wicked of children and vowed to destroy. Naga the serpent of Niflheim was watching and watched over men and especially women. He had taught them the difference between good and evil. He had taught them how to create fire and once created how to guard and nurture it. He had taught men how to drive a furrow into Earth's surface for planting. Naga did not wish to see mankind destroyed and so hatched a plan to save them. The Earth shook in her terrible rage until the waters flowed across the land. This was the first tsunami, and in this tsunami was born the Holy Carp. Surfing on the crest of the tsunami the Holy Carp saw Manoah running from the deluge and about to be overtaken. “Quick, jump on my back!” the Holy Carp instructed and Manoah obeyed. “See that wood debris floating over there? Gather it and we will build a boat.” And so Manoah built the first boat while riding on the Holy Carp. Together Manoah and the Holy Carp saved many men and many women on the boat, thwarting Earth's intentions. And Naga was pleased. Manaoh grabbed seeds as they went along to save the plants for food. The Holy Carp also instructed Manoah to save every animal he came across so that none would share the fate of the unicorn. Slowly, the terrible rage of Earth cooled and the shaking stopped and the waters receded. 2 One day some fishermen where out at sea fishing with their nets, when one of them caught a strange fish in his net which said “I am the Son of Fish” and yet no fish bore him but he was instead conceived by the Naga of Niflheim for the salvation of mankind. “The Earth grows angry at your continued wickedness,” the Holy Carp warned, “you must turn your lives from sin and walk the righteous scaly path.” And then the Holy Carp revealed unto them the scaly path. “This scaly path which I have given you you must now go teach to others,” instructed the Holy Carp, “for I am the Son of Fish.” And the fishermen obeyed and went to the townsfolk and told them of the scaly path to righteousness. Then some of the townsfolk traveled with the fishermen to other towns, sharing the scaly path with all they encountered. The town elders' heart were hard though, and they did not embrace the scaly path. The town elders asked where the fishermen had heard their fish stories and the fishermen. And the fishermen told them of the Holy Carp. And so the town elders asked who would capture the Fish so that they might question him, but none of the fishermen replied. The town elders offered a schilling for the capture and still no fishermen replied. The town elders offered 5 schillings for the capture and still no fishermen replied. The town elders offered 10 schillings for the capture and still no fishermen replied. The town elders offered a talent for the capture and still no fishermen replied. The town elders offered 2 talents for the capture and still no fishermen replied. The town elders offered 3 talents for the capture and still no fishermen replied. For the fishermen loved the Holy Carp and would not betray him. Bajet was a fisherman from the nearby town of Gomorrah who had heard of the scaly path, but not studied it. He came to the town elders in the night and said that he would capture the Holy Carp for 3 talents. And so the next day Bajet took his boat out of the harbor with the other fishermen. And on that day he was the 6th fisherman, thus fulfilling the scriptures that said the 6th on the sea would sow the seeds. Bajet planned to catch the Holy Carp in his net, but the Holy Carp jumped into his boat and kissed him. Bajet placed Him in a pot of water and rowed his boat into shore while the other fishermen cursed him. When he reached the shore the town elders where waiting and he turned the Holy Carp over to them for trial. Then Bajet took his 3 talents and bought a farm where he grew fat and a young wife who bore him many children. 3 The town elders questioned the Holy Carp about the scaly path and why He was encouraging everyone to righteousness. As they questioned Him, He grew larger and had to be moved to bigger and bigger pots. And with each answer the town elders' hearts grew harder. “How can you say the scaly path is a righteous path?” questioned the town elders. “The scaly path has been ordained,” replied the Holy Carp. He grew larger and they moved Him to a larger pot. “What if you break the rules of the scaly path? Is there punishment?” questioned the elders. “True punishment comes from within,” replied the Holy Carp, “If you choose to punish yourself for your transgressions you will be punished. If not you will not.” And he grew larger and they moved him into a tub. “And you say you are the Holy Carp?” they asked. “I am the Son of Fish,” He replied. Finally they were questioning him in the bathing pool. He was becoming to large for it and they realized nothing but the ocean could hold the Holy Carp. One of the town elders then declared he must be an avatar of the Devil. The motion was seconded and carried. The Holy Carp was declared an avatar of the Devil and removed from the pool to go before the firing squad. He was not blindfolded. And they shot Him eight times. Eight was the number of bullets which pierced and killed the Holy Carp. Then He was laid out to dry in the sun on the beach and be picked at by the birds. For three days he lay there. Naga the serpent of Niflheim saw what the men had done and was sorrowful. He awoke Earth, but she only raged and shook a little before falling back asleep. It was enough to create a small tsunami though, which took the Holy Carp back into the sea. For the sins of men had been cleansed by the blood of the Fish. 4 Back in the sea the Holy Carp revived and for dying was awarded a shiny new halo. He went back to see the fishermen many years later when they were in their old age. He spoke to them and they knew Him. Some were still following the scaly path, but others had lost faith. They wept in shame at the sight of the Holy Carp. “Do not fret if you cannot walk the scaly path,” He comforted them, “for my death has cleansed your sins. The Earth no longer has enough anger to summon the will to destroy you.” “Your death?” questioned Bajet, “How can you have died and be here alive. I will not believe you have died until I put my fingers in your bullet holes.” So the Holy Carp jumped into Bajet's boat and Bajet put his fingers in each of the eight holes. And then Bajet too believed and walked the scaly path for the rest of his life. When it was time for Bajet to die, Naga the serpent of Niflheim formed a rope by which the Holy Carp pulled him out into the endless sea.