Rules of Estrangement

Books | Project Ninety | Training

4 March 2022

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I was hopeful when I starting out reading Joshua Coleman's Rules of Estrangement: Why Adult Children Cut Ties & How to Heal the Conflict. I am less hopeful of reaching a rapprochement with my children after having read it. The deck is really stacked against me.

Divorce is one major reason children cut off when of their parents, especially if one of the parents is actively trying to alienate the other parent. Strike one. I don't think there's any chance of that changing because me being a terrible person is integral to my ex's divorce story. In her mind she's not the sort of person that would divorce, so I have to be terrible for logical consistency. The stories we tell ourselves and define our self image are hard to let go of. That and the financial incentive the state gives her to keep the younger two away from me, even though Maxwell is an adult.

And then with Alora I have two more strikes in that her partner has held me in contempt since the day I met her, and Alora has decided to change her gender identity. She came out to me not long before my ex left me, and while I told her that it was her life to decide and that I would always love her, I was also not supportive of the idea because I thought it was and still do think it's a mistake. I know that has been difficult for her, but she will always have my love and support regardless.

Brittan, being a twin, is of course strongly tied to Alora. And Zara is still a child under her mother's control. She does follow her brother's lead though, and was texting with me last Summer when Maxwell was working at SeaSmart. I thought that thaw in the relationship with him was a warm new beginning, but my ex found a way to scupper that too by filing a case to continue child support for him after he turned 18 (yes, that's unfortunately a thing in Norway) but to receive it he could not work. He has internalized the story, however, that he never liked being around me rather than have it be about money.

Not having an open dialogue with the three girls means I am also too much in my own about the reasons they have. Being told that I was always a terrible father that ruined their childhoods doesn't square with the facts, but I certainly made my share of mistakes. Cancel culture has blown even the most minor of infractions into terrible offenses, so perhaps their use of terrible is in that vein. Coleman's book helped me to realize that I'm not alone and that most estranged parents are racked by self-doubt about what they could have done better.

The hardest part about being an estranged parent is that you feel alone and shamed. When you tell people that your kids don't speak to you they often give you a look and say "what did you do?" And if you have enough self esteem to reply "I got divorced", too many will dismiss that as if it's not reason enough. I have personally experienced the ostracization can be an infectious idea, and so I isolate my pain. Part of the reason for writing this blog is that hopefully some other estranged parent out there will read it and know they are not alone.

Admittedly this blog has been more about me than Coleman's book, so I'll end with the biggest takeaway I got from the book: estrangement is painful, but you can live through it. My self image was for a large portion of my life built around the story that I was a dad, active in my kids' lives. But now my story goes on in another vein. I still have a long, exciting, rewarding life to live and I can't just go through life wishing to have back the love of my children. The pain of them not being around will always be with me, but I can't let that define who I am. Thank you, Joshua Coleman, for at least giving me that.