30 Day Reset

This is just a little journal of my 30 day journey resetting my relationship with alcohol. Today is day one. The dates are unimportant. I poured out the half bottle in my fridge because it will be bad in 30 days. I started the day on the yoga mat and messaging Ane. I have two conversations today that could potentially lead to gigs. One is with Google, and one is with Steve Marks who I used to work with at PopResearch. Below are the stressors in my life that I want to resolve and find peace:

• Divorce - Norway rejected my petition two years ago and I've talked to lawyers in a number of US states who have confirmed I cannot get divorced there.
• Kids - I saw Maxwell and Zara for the first time in six months over the past week. Alora and Brittan still are not answering my calls. Cara has done an excellent job at parental alienation. She cannot keep them in Norway without my signature, and tried to bully me into signing and then not seeing them again.
• Residency - My residence permit to live in Norway expires June 30th. I have applied for a job seeker permit, but that requires proving a number of things including that I have a place to live. However...
• Moving - My lease is also up June 30th, so I need to find a new place to live. Ane does not want to live together, but I don't think this is the right move now either even though I did in March. If I don't get my permit, then I will be locked into a lease on a place which I can't use. Hopefully I will get access to a car tomorrow, which will make moving easier. Although it's a stick shift and I don't have much experience driving a stick.
• Job - As mentioned I am currently jobhunting because I am unemployed. This makes my financial situation more precarious.
• NAV - Even though I have been paying our US expenses, Cara came after me for child support so I am being persued for that. It is very hard for my anger about this not to spill over from Cara onto the children. I believe this system is 100% wrong and no parent should be forced to pay for children that the other parent has succeeded in alienating them from. Why is what men bring to a marriage still taken from them after the marriage ends?
• Money - I do not have enough in savings to live for many months, especially continuing to pay legal fees in the fight to get access to my children.
• Health - I have been unable to run because of trouble with my bad ankle. This has led me to put on a few pounds. I also need to go to the dentist.

So today to avoid stress I got a car with a stick shift and taught myself how to use it in downtown Bergen traffic. Just kidding. This was a three hour adrenaline rush that my body is still recovering from over an hour later. I did not attempt to drive it up to the top of my monster hill. I am not excited about trying to move with it in like two weeks time.

Life is a game that you can't win. Everybody dies in the end. Along the way no matter you will be the recipient of injustice. I was married for decades to a narcissist who insulted me every day, and still insults me when I see her to try and dominate situations. She successfully alienated my children from me, and wants to pretend that I have no role to play in their lives. She tried to bully me into signing documents to let them stay in Norway, while at the same time making it difficult for me to stay. I was an idiot and signed a document last year that said the kids could live with her because they wanted to avoid the conflict she created by them spending half of their time with me. And then I didn't see them for six months as she drove the wedge deeper between us. When I refused to sign last week she threatened to take the kdis back to the US and not tell me where. I would think that this is international child abduction, but my lawyer tells me that there's nothing I can do. I do not have a good lawyer.

Not drinking means facing the crushing weight of these problems. I try to be stoic about it, but I really can't win against this narcissistic manipulating my children. She's a very intelligent woman who manipulated me for so many years. I've been reading about how Harvey Weinstein bullied and then destroyed women's lives who spurned him in an effort to discredit them. I have experienced this treatment firsthand with Cara. I've had friends and family turned against me. I've had my house robbed by her and her friends and my own parents. I've had my parents lie to my children to protect her version of the truth and malign my character. I'm being pursued for child support even as I'm unemployed and soon to be homeless.

The only thing I have control over is how I respond to these things. But, I've been conditioned for years by Cara and still have not licked that conditioning. In my first few relationships after she left I only found abusive, insane people to date. Looking back at that I realize that I may be permanently damaged.

Busy weekend and such so far. I've been occupied with Ane, and so not particularly tempted.

Going to check in today with updates on stressors

• Divorce - No progress here.
• Kids - Seeing Maxwell Thursday. Zara is ignoring me again. The ex is claiming that she can do whatever she wants without me, which is of dubious legality.
• Residency - My residence permit to live in Norway expires June 30th. I have an appointment Tuesday the 30th to turn in my documents. We'll see if they let me stay.
• Moving - Ane helped me take my stuph to her place this past weekend, but I still don't have an apartment after the 30th. Which I need to have for Tuesday's meeting...
• Job - Actively interviewing with 3 companies and have a consulting proposal out to another.
• NAV - No progress here.
• Money - I have enough in savings to show the residency folks, just not in a Norwegian account.
• Health - I hurt my back moving boxes over the weekend, which makes it difficult to sit at my computer for long periods.

Today is a day of meetings. I am being interviewed for jobs, I'm interviewing new lawyers, and I have baseball practice this evening. All this busyness will hopefully generate some business, because I really don't want to be forced to go back to the States if Cara is able to hold the kids here.

Last night was probably the most temptation I've experienced, going over to Judge's house with a bunch of guys from the baseball team. Most of the other guys were drinking beer, but I brought a 6-pack of alkoholfri. Today we're driving down to Stavanger for a weekend of baseball games and beach time. The fact that the team has a drinking problem has been referenced already by some of the players. I'll be bringing a book.

The weekend was somewhat complicated staying in a house with ten other guys half of whom got shitfaced on Saturday night after our double header that afternoon. I wasn't super tempted though, because I didn't play until Sunday and I wanted to be my freshest for that game. Which we won by the way! So I ran on the beach and read the book I brought a lot. Last night with Ane was relaxing, although we didn't sleep much. Today and tomorrow are going to involve a lot of work, which I'm not super excited about. But I have a car to drive, so drinking is not really going to be on my mind I think. Although beer typically has helped me power through moving in the past.

My mouth is the biggest thing that has really bothered me about not drinking I think because the chemistry is tough to balance and I keep biting my cheek & tongue which then get infected and form sores which stick out and are hard not to bite again. I had this issue as a kid, but drinking seems to alleviate it for the most part. Perhaps it kills the nasty things trying to grow in my mouth? I definitely felt better last night after kissing Ane, so maybe regular innoculations from her oral microbiota will keep me balanced. Now I just need to see her more than once a week...

Today's definitely a day filled with stress.

The job in Oslo I was looking had the headhunters acting dishonestly and trying to get me to pay for travel there by telling the company that I was already there. I don't know why I let headhunters represent me. They're usually not the sharpest.

I just submitted my documents to UDI as a job seeker, so we'll see if that works. I have several weeks. The kids will be in the country illegally as of tomorrow and I will have to file a petition with the police.

I have a second interview with a local company shortly. I'm fairly stupid from sleep deprivation, so I don't know how well I'm going to do. I hope it's not a trivia contest.

Ane's phone is busted again so I can't talk to her.

I was up late cleaning the house that I'm moving out of today. I don't have a new house to move into, but I do have a van full of stuph and another vanload at Ane's.

NAV has decided to re-evaluate things. So that's good. But I have to submit documents and pick a new lawyer.

So I definitely need a cheeseburger later.

Slept in a tent in the Kanadaskog last night! So naturally I slept in until 11. It was good to catch up on some sleep. I don't have a new place yet, but I do have a postboks. I actually really like the idea of camping and coffeeshopping. At least while the weather is good. Being wet and cold in a tent will probably suck more than be enjoyable.

Camping is great. I'm going to look at a hytta Ane suggested I rent . Need to see what sort of power is available there though. And I'd have to get in the habit of packing in drinking water. Considering that I'm dehydrated today, this might also be a problem. It could be a very challenging year. I don't know what's up with Ane though. She's pulled in so many different directions. I don't really miss the alcohol, but I do miss the gastronomic experiences and the social events. Social events are less easy to find these days though. And it's nice to be able to drive a car around in the evening, even if it is a stick shift. It's not the most terrifying thing, but it is a little harrowing to my nerves at times. It really requires a lot of concentration and I still screw it up sometimes.

Jeez I'm tired today. I got up super early this morning to see off Ane at the train station. Tonight is another IRL quiz night with the team at a bar, but Melissa will be cool with my not drinking. If I fall asleep during the quiz she will be merciless though.

I slept in til noon. I had planned to go running at noon. I'm not sure what's wrong with me. That was like 11 hours of sleep. Admittedly I only got 3-4 the night before, but WTF. I only got woken up by the buzz telling me I was to go running in 10 minutes. Which, understandably, made me sad. Life goes on though. It's a sunny day and a Saturday so all the outdoor cafés are filled with people drinking beers. I have to admit that I'd like one. There was no IRL quiz last night, so I had an unplanned lonely evening. So I read instead. Because I hate to waste time. I've also been focused on interview prep. I'd be nice to get offered that job at Google.

Tomorrow is Zara's birthday and, spurred on by Cara, she hasn't spoken to me once since we met regarding residence permits. It's important that I do not see Zara for Cara to retain legal control, because my rights as a father are seen as being "unexercised". The legal system has really stacked the deck against fatherhood. Cara's self-centered behavior is a detriment to the kids personal growth, but there's nothing I've been able to do to stop her singleminded destruction of me as a person and my role as a father.

I'm not dead yet. lolz

Life is a beautiful thing, and it is wise to enjoy every moment of it.

This is the end. I bought some Mango IPA to celebrate with Ane this weekend at the new place. Because I put stuff in the new place today. And I got a tentative job offer today, assuming it's approved by the board. So that's two things out of the way.

• Divorce - No progress here.
• Kids - I have been hiking with Maxwell, which is fun. Zara is still ignoring me unfortunately. The police are helping me with their immigration status, so hopeful I will be able to leverage that to get more access to them.
• Residency - Haven't gotten confirmation that my residency has been accepted, but I'll be able to get a better one once I sign a job contract
• Moving - Only one vanload is in the new place. The rest is scattered (but mostly at Ane's) and needs to be gathered.
• Job - I tentatively have one.
• NAV - Still no answer here and no hope of talking to a useful person anytime soon.
• Money - I still do not know how to protect it from Cara's depredations. I do not have the protection of divorce and NAV is trying to take it.
• Health - Bad ankle is somewhat better. I am pretty good at baseball except for throwing. I still haven't been to the dentist.